German Cross Dresser
by InsanitySister Creations
Summary: Hilarious Bleach fic. It's an Ichi/Ruki that starts with a comical pointless argument and ends in a smutty sex display lolz. Many funny misfortunes & Renji/Orihime later too. Bunnies,gender confusion,glass and snarky insults! Drama later, u will luv this!
1. Glass, Sex and Transsexuals

_**Hi Seas, Cat will add her message later but I'll do the honors for the moment!**_

_**Look it's beyond our wildest dreams and I'm pretty sure the show would no longer be aimed at sixteen year old boys if we got our hands on it. Which we haven't. I solemnly swear as a fellow fan fiction writer that neither me nor Cat own Bleach and Fruits Basket. **_

_**Again we do not own it! …Cat if you own it speak up now and if you do I swear Imma yell the hell outta you cuz that's something you should have seriously told me! She wouldn't dare so again DISCLAIMER: We own nothing of Bleaches freaking bonafied epicness! **_

_**Enjoy! This was again done over phone and everything either character says was once spoken by us. **_

_**Rukia is played by me so what she says came from me and trust me I wish I could be as epic as Rukia but she took me over each time so all credit goes to the epic Rukia!**_

_**Cat played Ichigo and although Cat is epic enough to play a fuck-a-licious Ichigo I'm pretty sure he took her over sometimes too.**_

_**I played Orihime as well and words of warning when you get to her don't be afraid to laugh. Cat and I laughed for a solid three minutes before we were able to breathe a single coherent word. **_

_**Long authors note but things really must be said! This is not a one-shot we intend for this to go on for awhile. The more we role play by phone the more chapters will come out so stay tuned and wait for updates. Reviews much appreciated and adored by us! We love all you obsessed psychos out there! You're not alone, you're never alone. **_

"STOP SAYING GERMAN CROSS-DRESSER! Damn it, Strawberry!" Rukia Kuchiki yelled, finally getting sick hers and Ichigo's pointless, senseless argument.

"Ok, fine. I'll stop saying German Cross-Dresser." Ichigo Kurosaki replied. He didn't honestly know what the argument was about anymore, how the hell it got started, or why they kept saying it, but for some reason, annoying Rukia was pleasing him that morning.

"You just said it! You said German Cross-Dresser!" She said, annoyed again.

"I didn't say German Cross-Dresser. You just said German Cross-Dresser, but I didn't say German Cross-Dresser." Three times. She was going to kick his ass later, and he knew it, but he was enjoying her sheer annoyance right now.

"YOU JUST SAID GERMAN CROSS-DRESSER THREE TIMES!" Rukia was practically losing it. If he didn't stop saying it soon, her head was going to explode.

"Why are you so worked up, Midget? It's just a German Cross-Dresser." Ichigo walked into the school building and Rukia scowled. This continued all day.

In class: "German Cross-Dresser!" He'd whisper.

"Stop saying German Cross-Dresser!"

"Ok, ok, no more saying GERMAN CROSS-DRESSER." And then he's pretend to pay attention to the teacher.

In the hallways: "So, how 'bout that German Cross-Dresser?"

"Stop saying German Cross-Dresser!" and by then he'd passed her and he would be unable to answer.

At Lunch: He opened her juice box for her, then muttered "German Cross-Dresser" under his breath and she only glared at him, but he just shrugged and acted like the same old asshole Ichigo for the rest of lunch.

When class was over and Ichigo and Rukia were back at home (as there had not yet been a hollow today and Ichigo was silently thanking his lucky stars), the madness continued.

"Would you PLEASE stop saying it?"

"I didn't say 'It' I said German Cross-Dresser."

Meanwhile, Momiji Sohma, an actually half-German, Half-Japanese cross-dresser, was lost. He and Haru had needed to move "Outside" in with Momiji's father after getting kicked out of school (which was mostly his hot-headed cousin Haru's fault, anyway) and needed a new one. So he was to start tomorrow, but when he'd gone out for a walk, he'd gotten lost in the still-unfamiliar neighborhood.

"Why d'you get so defensive when I say it, anyway? Are you secretly a German Cross-Dresser?" Ichigo teased, although Rukia took it seriously.

"I'm not a German Cross-Dresser!" She said defensively.

"Prove it." The words that escaped Kurosaki's lips didn't feel like his own. It was probably his teenage-boy hormones talking, because he sure as hell wouldn't have said that normally!

Rukia, also not feeling herself said "Fine," coldly, and began to remove her shirt. "This proof enough for you?"

The still-skeptical, still-slightly-horny Ichigo shrugged. "Those could be fake." He lied as she took off her bra, doubting that Rukia would ever need implants anyway, unless she wanted to look like Orihime (which would be odd).

"How do I know you're not the German Cross-Dresser, Strawberry?" offended she would think him possibly female, he took off his shirt, his pride getting the better of him.

"Those could have been surgically removed." She shrugged.

"But I still don't know that you're not a man from the waist down." He challenged. And, in an act both prideful and a bit lusty, Rukia removed her skirt. "Could've been ripped off." He said, wanting her to go fully naked, his male-instinct taking him over.

"I'm not going any further until YOU lose the pants, Kurosaki. I don't know you're male."

Not sure why he did it, but he did—he dropped his pants. He suddenly felt a bit self-conscious hoping the small, yet sexy girl standing near-naked before him wouldn't notice that he was starting to go stiff. "Now you. I won't believe you're not a German Cross-Dresser until you do." He lied. He'd believed her since the shirt, but, though he'd never admit it, he wanted to go further. He wanted her—wanted Rukia.

She smirked and then the panties were on the ground. And, knowing by her look what to do, Ichigo was soon completely naked as well.

"That could be sewn-on. Why don't you prove it to me?" She said. Her eyes locked on the bed. Were Ichigo a normal nerdy boy hearing this, he'd have started to hyperventilate, but, being Ichigo, he didn't.

"I'll prove it." He accepted the challenge as he lay her down in his bed, then joining her, taking the top. He first kissed her, before going in.

Rukia gasped and then held back her scream. She'd almost doubted that he'd actually do it, but he had. She also hadn't expected how it'd feel! It hurt like hell, being her first time, but it also gave her a shock of pleasure, especially as he went in again. "Ichi… go!" She gasped, then moaning as it stopped hurting.

Ichigo was rather large, as she'd seen when he'd first taken off his underwear, and feeling him so suddenly going in and out of her had been a bit surprising.

Even more, this became so as she came, the juices pouring out of her. Ichigo let himself release a moan of pleasure as last as she bucked her hips against him finally.

She bucked a few more times, and he thrust several until finally, he came, causing Rukia to moan louder this time

Unfortunately for innocent little Momiji Sohma, he walked into the wrong house, because his was actually three blocks away, but they all looked the same to him. No one was home, which was odd since he didn't think Haru was going anywhere… perhaps he'd gone to see Rin?

And when he walked into the wrong room in the wrong house, he was horrified. The two unfamiliar teenagers having sex on the bed both suddenly broke apart, the boy pulling the covers over both of them.

Momiji screamed out of shock and the fact he was now scarred for life. "Ich bin traurig! Ich—ich ging in das falsche Gebäude!" He spoke in German as he often did when nervous and ran out. Once outside, the poor boy noticed the street sign and cursed himself for not paying attention to the sign. If he had he wouldn't want to claw his eyes house. When he got home, he was pale as a ghost.

"What's with you?" Haru asked his cousin who was sputtering in German. Momiji didn't feel like answering, so Haru just shrugged, figuring it was something stupid and went back to minding his own business.

"WHAT THE HELL!" Rukia exclaimed. "Was that a… actual German Cross-Dresser?" The boy who'd walked in on them had purple nail polish, a pink flowery T-shirt and a clip in his hair.

Ichigo wasn't so concerned on how the boy had been dressed, as much as why the hell he'd been in his house. That was just creepy! The mood being pretty much dead, he sighed. In fact, Rukia had already gotten up and began to dress, so he forced himself to do so as well.

"I'm hungry. What's for dinner?" She asked.

"I don't know. It's pretty early."

"Then go to a sushi bar or something! You're buying." She demanded and Ichigo submitted. When they finally got there, they were greeted by a girl-looking waiter with blonde hair and a German accent.

"Can I get you something to drink?"

"GERMAN CROSS-DRESSER!" Rukia shrieked, and grabbed Ichigo's arm, running out.

"Hey, what's wrong with you?" He shouted as he was dragged further away.

"German Cross-Dresser! It's creepy! He was in your house! Don't you think it's a little creepy?" Ichigo did but he wouldn't admit it.

Momiji had accidentally been bumped by a waitress when he was trying to get out of Rukia's way, and her arms had gone around him to steady herself, so Momiji now had to run about the streets as a bunny. Unfortunately his path would lead him straight to bunny-loving Rukia Kuchiki.

She of course immediately picked him up and began to snuggle him to her chest. "Ooohhh, he's soooooooooo cute!" She gushed, holding him tightly.

"AHHH! Put me down! Put me down!" She recognized his voice, shrieked and dropped him.

"But you—and—house—sushi bar—bunnies!" Rukia could deal with a lot, but when bunnies were brought into the equation she was helpless.

"Well… um… you see… I sort of…" and then he accidentally transformed back, fully naked and Rukia was a bit MORE freaked out. Ichigo just shook his head and averted his eyes as the boy ran off, face red. This is fucked up. He thought. How the hell had that guy been a rabbit?

Rukia was now in a fetal position and refused to get up. "Take me home!" She demanded, and when he waited for her to get up, she yelled "Carry me, you idiot!" And so he was forced to, with her still having a mental trauma about the rabbit-boy.

"I don't get why you're so freaked out. It's just a German Cross-Dresser."

"As a BUNNY—I LOVE Bunnies! And he was clutched to my CHEST!" She pouted.

"I doubt he cares about your chest." Ichigo figured the cross-dressing boy was gay (which even Momiji's family was unsure of) so he doubted Rukia should feel violated.

"Are you saying I'm unattractive?"

"Argh!" Ichigo did NOT in the least find her unattractive. "No! I mean he's probably gay so he'd rather ME have him on my chest." Ichigo then knew Rukia wouldn't find that comforting.

"Put me down!" She got offended, thinking she was being mocked, and bit his neck hard. He dropped her, now rubbing his bloody collarbone. She started to run off.

"How're you gonna get in? I locked the door."

"Window!" She shouted, not looking at him.

"It's locked." He lied.

"I'll SMASH it then!" She was not lying and ran off. Ichigo didn't think she'd really break his window, so when he got home and found his bedroom window shatter he was pissed.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!"

"I said I'd smash it and I did." She locked herself in the closet and refused to speak to him. So, pissed off, Ichigo took a shower, and not thinking, flopped onto his bed still unclothed, until he felt the glass shards tear into his back.

"OW, FUCK!" He exclaimed, leaping up.

"What?" Rukia said from inside her closet, mildly concerned,

"Glass." Was all me muttered, painfully pulling one out of the small of his back. "AGH!"

Feeling responsible, Rukia took pity on the strawberry, and came out of her closet—it was a good thing Ichigo was in pain or he'd have ridiculed her for it as always—to help him.

"Hold still!" She ordered as he flinched away from her when she put her hand on one of the six remaining shards. Ichigo bit his lip to hold back yelling when she tried to be gentle (but you really can't be that painless when digging out hunks of glass) but didn't do a very good job. "There." She said after the last piece of glass was free from Ichigo's back.

"Mmph." He grunted, unsure whether or not words would come out as anything other than a pathetic little "ow, holyshit, owwww!"

After an awkward one-sided goodnight (Ichigo's back still stung and he definitely wasn't going to let Rukia know that!), he fell asleep, still undressed because fabric getting on the cuts would hurt worse. This wouldn't be a problem for any normal teenager who woke up in the morning. But Ichigo Kurosaki wasn't normal in the least.

"GOOOOOOD MORNING, ICHIGO!" Ichigo's father's usual 'wake up call' woke him up and he rolled and ducked to avoid his face being jumped on. "AHH!" A sudden exclamation at noticing his son unclothed. "MASAKI, OUR SON'S BECOMING A MAN!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Ichigo put more emphasis on the words this morning than normal.

"WEAR A CONDOM! I DON'T WANT GRANDCHILDREN YET!" his father screamed after him as Ichigo started to leave the room, forgetting momentarily he was unclothed. "ICHIGO! Not in front of your sisters!"

Oh, right. Ichigo remembered, walking back into the room and slamming the door into his father's face with a final annoyed yell of "GET OUT!" This day couldn't get more annoying.

Oh, but it did. After Ichigo finally dressed and got to school, things calmed down a little. His friends, at least were no different. Kiego was still an idiot, Chad was still quiet and Orihime was still… Orihime.

That was before Rukia got to school. She wasn't wearing the grey jacket and her white shirt was partly unbuttoned at the top. Her hair was hanging in her face, covering one of her eyes and it looked like she'd really combed it through for once, it looked so sleek and shiny and parted at the strands barely so you could see the deep color of her royal blue eyes, her skirt was pulled up a bit too high showing off more of her legs and… was she wearing makeup? Ichigo's eyes practically jumped out of his skull, and he had to use every jaw muscle he had to keep his mouth closed. He knew Rukia was attractive and definitely sexy but this… there weren't words to describe it.

Kiego went into immediate flirt mode, and she giggled and dismissed it in her fake school-girl voice, before saying sweetly, "Ichigo, can I talk to you alone for a second?"

Recovering his pride and most of his mind, Ichigo looked not quite at her, except out of the corner of his eye. "Yeah. Whatever." She led him into an unoccupied area outside the school.

"Nothing happened last night." She came right out and said. "If anyone asks, you were alone and it was a perfectly normal night."

"Uhh… right." He agreed. It wasn't like he was going to run around yelling "I GOT LUCKY WITH RUKIA LAST NIGHT" anyway. That would get his ass kicked. What's with the… apparel today?" He had trouble finding the right words. He didn't mean to stare, but how could he not? It was like she was trying to give him a boner and then somehow cock-block him.

"Is it really your business how I dress myself, Strawberry?" She started walking away. Ichigo, of course, was nearly late for class. Again.

As it turned out, today they were getting two new students. The teacher briefly said their names and where they came from. Hatsuharu Sohma was a tall guy with spiky white hair that had black roots, with no jacket worn, showing off muscular arms .He had a few piercings and wore an odd-looking necklace as well as black eyeliner (which only made him look tough, not gay). He slumped once he took his seat in the back of the room.** (Note that, sadly, Haru is not important much in this. As much as I—Cat—Looove him, He's very minor.)**

Momiji Sohma, Haru's cousin, was very happy, had purple nails, eye shadow, and was wearing the girls' uniform (with shorts, not a skirt!). He cheerily said "Guten Tag! I mean…. Er... Hi!" In a German accent and sat down in the seat beside Rukia who darted out of the classroom at the site of the German Cross-Dresser again.

Ichigo ran after her, not sure why he did, though. He caught up to her in the hall. "Pretty weird, huh?" He said, leaning against the locker, always the calm one.

"Pretty Weird? A German Cross-Dresser who was in your house and walked in on us, who later showed up at a sushi bar we were at, then as a bunny who was clutched to my chest shows up in our school and that's not fucking insane to you?"

"Well what do you want me to do about it? Kill the guy?" He was joking, and he really hoped Rukia wouldn't take him literally.

"No! Just… ugh! I'm not going back in there today. I need something... sweet and caffeinated." Ichigo had a feeling that meant 'You're going to buy me a coffee' so he shrugging answered vaguely.

"Fine." They went to a coffee shop, where Rukia happily drank the caramel frappu-whatever that she'd made him pay for and he occasionally took a drink of the black coffee in front of him.

After what was left of her frappuccino was gone, Rukia yelled at Ichigo to hurry up. And, not thinking, he chugged the rest of the (Hot) liquid in his cup. "Agh! Damn it!" He cursed as his tongue was scalded. He threw away the disposable cup and scowled as he walked out with Rukia.

"You idiot! Why'd you do that?" She tried not to laugh.

What Ichigo tried to say was "You said to hurry up!" but what it sounded like was "oo sheh uh hurry ahp!" as his tongue was not working properly. He couldn't taste the inside of his own mouth, and just touching it at the top of his mouth or his teeth with the tip of his tongue didn't feel too good.

Rukia didn't have any idea whatsoever what the hell he'd just said so she shrugged and accepted whatever the gibberish meant. She took pity on him and went to an ice cream place, ordered herself something with caramel in it (She had begun to really like caramel…)**(that was Cat now Seas I adore caramel so I made Rukia like me…remember Cat played Ichigo so everything Ichigo said Cat said and everything Rukia said or did was Seas sooo yeah lolz certain level of awesomeness to caramel lmao so Rukia being awesome must be a caramel lover! Oh and anything in bold is Seas or Cat**) and Ichigo muttered something unintelligible and the worker had to guess what he'd said, failed, and just scooped some random flavor into a cone, which didn't matter much, because Ichigo couldn't taste at the moment.

He stuck his entire tongue into it, enjoying the cold feeling. Of course, now he had a rather 'attractive' frozen dairy product toupee. He pulled his tongue out when it numbed and he could use it regularly again. Rukia bit her lip trying not to smirk or say anything, because he looked rather stupid with the ice cream all over his face.

"What're you looking at?" He asked in annoyance.

"You've got a little bit on your face." Ichigo mentally cursed himself and wiped it off. He didn't bother finish the rest of the frozen treat because he could barely taste it anyhow.

As they walked back to his house, Rukia saw a bunny again and, of course, picked it up. She almost started to cuddle it, then stopped herself, held it out at arm's length and practically shoved it in Ichigo's face. "Check it!" She demanded, not wanting it to be another German Cross-Dresser. Ichigo wasn't sure how to 'check' a bunny, so he was just going to make sure it didn't talk.

"Do you talk?" He asked it, feeling humiliated having to talk to a rabbit. No answer. "Are you a person in your free time?" No answer. He yelled the last one: "ARE YOU A GERMAN CROSS-DRESSER?" right as a woman with two small children walked by. They all stared at him for a long time, confused, before walking away, still glancing at the small girl holding a rabbit and the orange-haired boy yelling at said rabbit.

Rukia, however, did not seem utterly humiliated at all. She simply said "Thank you." And started petting the bunny and cuddling it close, until it started to squirm to be let down. After that, Rukia seemed pretty pleased, having the time to be around a bunny that didn't have vocal chords or another identity.

Back home, things started to go similarly to the way they had the night before, but without trying to prove that they weren't German Cross-Dressers. Except this time, as soon as Ichigo's shirt came off, a familiar beeping noise was heard. There was a hollow somewhere. Of course. Cock-blocked by a Hollow.

But, however, he was angrier about it this time, and the hollow happened to be weak, so the fight was over in a mere hour, and Rukia had to admit she was impressed by his performance.

Then, they attempted to pick up where they left off before, afterwards. She wrapped her legs around his neck, a bit more daring this time. He licked along her most sensitive areas flicking his tongue as sensually as he could trailing her slit softly and nibbling at her swollen clit, all of which gave her a shock of pleasure, unaware that his face was going to come away covered in red liquid. "What the hell…?"

Ichigo, unable to see his own face, or taste anything weird didn't get it. "Huh?"

"Your face… it's all red." She got off him now, the mood pretty dead. She'd figured out what was going on, pretty pissed it had to happen now. To confirm this, Ichigo's cock was also covered in the same red liquid.

Now figuring out what she meant, Ichigo was suddenly a lot less turned on. "Ah, Hell!" He wiped at his face with his bare arm before getting dressed.

"You're going to have to get me the necessary sanitary means for the condition." _Stupid Gigai!_ She thought angrily.

"WHAT?" Ichigo did NOT want to buy what she was asking.

"I'm not going outside like this." She looked at him with a look that said 'do it or die.'

So, grumbling, Ichigo found himself at a convenience store, buying the box of 'hygiene products.' The guy at the register, funny enough, happened to be German Cross-Dresser's cousin (whose name Ichigo didn't remember). He burst out laughing. "You do know what those are for right?" He said, still shaking and trying not to laugh aloud.

"Fuck off." Ichigo growled, not in the mood at all.

"Okay, maybe you are PMS-ing," Haru muttered under his breath as he took the cash and put it in the register. Ichigo pretended not to hear. The guy was new around here, so he'd wait a while before beating him up.

Of course, it got worse. As he was walking through the alley, a shortcut home, he ran heard a voice belonging to someone he definitely didn't want to run into right now.

"Ichigo! Hi! Imagine running into you in a dark alley this late at night! I mean, it's quite an off chance we're both walking in this dark alley together in the dark!" Orihime said happily, either not sensing or not caring about Ichigo's rather unpleasant feeling. _**(Hi Seas obviously. Guess who played Orihime? Me hee hee! Lmao Cat nearly laughed to death when I made her call the tampons, churros! I love finding new ways to torture Ichigo, it's like my career, well him and Percy Jackson lolz, we torture them cuz we love them. Lolz right Cat?) **_**(Hey, it's Cat! Seas is an AMAZING Orihime. I couldn't breathe from laughing so hard. Ah, Poor Ichigo or "Ichiga" as she'll later think his name is. Hehe I'll have to write for Orihime eventually when she talks to Rukia in future-planned-chapter. Ahh I'm not gonna be nearly as good!)**

"Uhh… hey, Orihime." He said, trying to be polite and hopefully satisfy her, and he tried to push past.

"Ooo, what's in the box? I bet it's something sweet! What is it? Can I have some? Pleeease?"

Before poor Ichigo could stutter out an "Uhh—no—um—those—aren't—food…" She'd already opened the box (it was dark so she neglected to read it).

"Oooo! They're sugar sticks, aren't they? What do they call them… churros? Yummy!" She unwrapped the 'sugar stick' but before she could put it into her mouth, she noticed that it actually was.

"Um... Ichigo? These are… tampons…" She was confused, then realization of something (Ichigo was scared to know what) hit her and she gasped in surprise. "Ichigo, you didn't tell me you were a girl! I mean… you always seemed so masculine… and… the way you look at Rukia… but it's okay to be a little butch! Oh my gosh, everyone's going to be so shocked when I tell them!" And she skipped off.

Ichigo and his yell of "Wait! I'm n—" was left behind, as she was already gone. Well that's just great. At least this fucking day's nearly over! When he got home, he wordlessly handed her the box.

"Why is it open…?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Don't. Ask. Just don't." And after Rukia was safely in her closet for the night, Ichigo banged his head on the wall a few times before falling asleep.

_**Seriously hope you enjoyed this! Also this was written by marvelous Cat with some invasions from me and modifications as well as a few added descriptions. Still all and all I must bow down to your greatness Cat for being able to remember everything our characters said so well and make it flow perfectly! **_

_**Sigh~ Cat will kill me with churros (not a bad idea ;)) If I don't say this… sigh anyway equal credit to us both. Cat you should take all credit but I want my head to stay on my shoulders so let's just say this was beyond awesome to do and we hope you all enjoyed this trip into these devious characters minds! **_**(Cat speaking: Do you literally mean churros or 'churros'? Neither seem very easy to kill someone with… I'd rather a Zanpakto, but… ooh! My friend can kill people with a straw! She learned stuff when she was in the mental hospital. Ah, I love my friend… 3)**

_**Review review! Review, Review, REVIEW! We want to know if you liked it cuz we worked so hard and we hope you enjoyed it and laughed and had fun! As long as you guys have fun Cat and Seas smile all day long!**_

_**:D**_

_**Los quiero tanto!**_

_**(I'm Latina even if I don't look it and Spanish is my first language lolz)**_

_**Seas 3**_

_**Cat you may invade….NOW!**_

**No need to fear, the CAT is here! Calooh, Callay, we'll feast today, like cabbages and kings! (I'm a Lewis Carroll fanatic!)**

**Anyway, thanksya for reading our fic! Ahh, Seas you better compliment yourself and mean it or goddamn it I'll—I'll break Renji's sunglasses, blame it on you, and tell him who and where you are! Muahaha! (jkjk I'd never do that to you OR Renji.) **

**Hehe, gotta love our insanity. BTW, since St. Fang of Boredom keeps Fang with her, I've decided to kidnap Renji. Cuz I CAN.**

**Renji: NO YOU CAN'T! I'm a fucking Shinigami! **

**Cat: And I'm a guitarist! Now shuttup or I'll torture you in twelve days of Bleachness.**

**Renji: Damnit….**

**Cat: Anyhow, Seas improved the fic bunchesss and you should be giving all your woship to her. I IZ NOT WORTHAY! (This is Seas…LIES CAT LIES! Sorry for invading but it had to be said….and Imma kidnap Ichigo! He's mine!**

**Ichigo: I'd rather marry a hollow**

**Seas: Love you too baby! 3)**

_**Liebe vom leeren Herzen**_

**(Love from the empty heart. I speak German which is where Momiji's dialogue comes from! I SHOULD speak Gallic too since I'm also part Celtic, but oh well.)**

**- Cat**


	2. Ichiga

**Chapter 2: Ichiga**

_A/N Seas: Well helloooo bleach-addicts I am proud to be one of you! Hee hee! Ok so first and for most, ya most importantly WE DO NOT OWN BLEACH! Do we wish we did? Umm HELL yes! Still we don't so we satisfy ourselves by writing for you and it keeps the craving pretty filled lolz. So yeah lolz, for the record this may seem like a total crack fic…it's not. No way in hell. We've been role playing at least twenty funny and dramatic chapters into this and trust me it gets GOOD! So please continue reading and I promise you it shall be worth it ENJOY!_

As Ichigo and Rukia arrived in school, Orihime skipped happily up to them. "Hi, Rukia! Hi… Ichiga!" She wasn't sure how to make Ichigo's name feminine, so she took a guess.

"Umm… you do know it's said with an "O" at the end, right?" She'd known him forever, so Ichigo wasn't sure why Orihime was suddenly having trouble with his name.

"Oh, I know! Very clever, I mean wow, I'm impressed! How did you manage to fake being male for sooo long? I mean you look like a guy, and you talk like one, dress, act… I never suspected a thing!"

"What?" Rukia was unaware Orihime thought Ichigo was a female, so her suddenly babbling about "Faking being a male" was confusing. Especially since Rukia personally knew Ichigo was definitely not a girl (not that she'd tell people that).

"Well, anyway! Maybe you both could come over sometime! We could look at clothes… talk about boys…"

Ichigo cut her off. "I'm not gay, you know." He still didn't think Orihime seriously thought he was female. Really, one time, she catches him with a box of tampons and then she brands him as a chick! If it wasn't Orihime of all people, he'd slug her in the face for having such a twisted idea of a joke.

"Ohhh, right! Now it explains why you'd like Rukia, and be so masculine! But don't worry! Just know I'm here for a hundred percent moral support!" She said. 'Of course. Not only am I a girl now, but I'm a transvestite, apparently,' Ichigo thought. He was unaware she'd kept on babbling. "Well, I guess you wouldn't want people knowing… Oh no! I told everybody already! I'm so sorry!"

Rukia's confusion and curiosity finally got the better of her. "Wait… why is everyone so convinced Ichigo is actually an Ichiga?" She ignored the death glare "Ichiga" shot her way.

"Oh… well," Orihime lowered her voice some, "last night, in the alley I ran into him… er… her, sorry. And she was holding a box, and at first I thought they were sugar sticks, but then once I unwrapped one… well… I'm just glad I didn't eat it!"

Rukia thought a moment. Last night. A box. Yes… it had been opened when he brought it back. Rukia had to force herself not to laugh out loud. It was partially her fault this whole confusion thing was going on, but there was no way she'd never tell Orihime the box was actually for her.

"Ah. Well, I definitely didn't know this before now." Rukia said truthfully. The whole idea seemed ridiculous. Wow, people really will believe anything!

"Oh! You didn't know? So, I'm guessing that's a little awkward than, since you know how Ichiga likes you and some people imply other things… unless you do go for that type! There's nothing wrong with it though!"

"Umm... No." Rukia replied. There wasn't anything going on between her and Ichigo… was there?

Speaking of, where was Ichigo anywhere? When she turned around, she spotted him banging his head against the concrete wall of the school. "They just painted that, you know!" She said. "It's probably still wet!"

Ichigo didn't think the wall would be wet, so when he stopped banging his head against it and touched his head, his hand coming away with white paint on it, he was pretty pissed.

Rukia, however, found it hilarious, and laughed to herself. Unfortunately, now was about the time class was starting. So, now Ichigo would definitely be late by the time the paint was off of his head. When he entered the now-mostly-empty hallway and was about to go into the bathroom, Orihime asked where he was going.

"Washing the paint out of my hair, what does it look like I'm doing?" He was already in a bad mood, and if things got worse (which they had a tendency of doing) he was going to kick someone's ass.

"Oh! I'll help you!" She dragged him by the wrist into the GIRLS' bathroom.

His protests seemed to go unnoticed, or perhaps just unimportant. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Well, it'll be hard to wash paint out of your hair. I'm just trying to help!" She said innocently. 'Sure. Help me by continually verbally and nonverbally screaming that I'm a girl' he thought bitterly. If it weren't Orihime, he'd have kicked her ass. But, the paint was drying, so right now, he was out of options. So, he stuck his head into the sink, trying to use hand soap to wash out the white paint, and after, say, half an hour, and with more than a little help from Orihime, the paint was almost all gone, except for a bit on his forehead and a few strands of hair.

"Are you coming to class?" They were beyond late, but Orihime wasn't going to skip school if she didn't have to.

"I'm outta here." Ichigo stormed off. It was the second day in a row he'd skipped school, but this time he had a reason, if he went into that classroom, he'd end up beating someone up.

The day was pretty much one of the WORST of Ichigo's High School career. When Rukia got home and made herself comfortably, checking the hollow screen, it showed no sign of hollow activity. This both pleased and disappointed Ichigo. On one hand, no hollows to deal with, on another, he wanted to kick something's ass.

So, after doing some slightly-overdo homework, he decided on showering and passing out for the night. The shocker was Rukia following him into the bathroom.

"What the hell are you doing?" He asked, having not realized the soul reaper was there until he'd already removed his shirt.

"You said you needed a shower… I do too." She shrugged, as if it were completely natural for her to walk into a bathroom with him. This entirely confused Ichigo. First she fucks him, then she tells him it 'never happened,' and now she wanted to shower with him? Ichigo never understood girls, but especially this one.

"WHAT?" He repeated.

"It'll save time. And it's not like you've got anything I haven't seen." Once again throwing him insane with frustration, Rukia was a walking confusion. Ichigo was about to stammer something out and avert his eyes to talk her out if it when she took off her shirt. "Well? Are you going to shower wearing your pants?" She asked, dropping her skirt.

There really wasn't much escaping it, so, grudgingly, Ichigo stripped for the most awkward shower of his life.

Especially, with Rukia asking him to put the soap on her back for her, and insisting on doing his. Though, there were some benefits. Occasional groping, some sexy makeout scenes, that sort of thing before the shower was over, twenty minutes later, a much longer shower than Ichigo ever would've taken by himself.

The rest of the week was a bit nightmarish. The whole "Ichigo is a girl" rumor got him teased, and got fights picked with him, as well as Rukia's… condition lasting through Friday.

When Sunday, the only day off he got arrived, Ichigo was incredibly grateful to it. Hoping for no hollows or anything to happen was just a bit too optimistic, though.

He'd fought four of them this week, causing major exhaustion and irritation, not to mention irritation from Kon, who'd had to be used one of the times.

Sunday morning, the only day he wasn't smacked awake by his father, Ichigo was still smacked awake, but by Rukia. "What the hell is wrong with you?" He looked at the time. It was Sunday. Why was Rukia up at 8:30 on a Sunday morning?

"Orihime invited us to go to the beach, remember?" Rukia reminded him.

"I'm not going." He rolled over, wanting to get out of it.

"Yes you are. Because I'M going. Get your bathing suit on, Strawberry." She then disappeared into her closet—Heh, She's IN THE CLOSET, Ichigo mused to himself—probably to change into her own (Wherever the hell she'd GOTTEN a bathing suit. Ichigo wasn't sure.)

So, he was forced to drive her to the beach. Ichigo, although seventeen, did not have a drivers' license after failing the test twice, but he didn't want to deal with Rukia knowing that, so he didn't tell her.

When they got there, Orihime, Tatsuki, Uyru, Kiego, and, for whatever godforsaken reason, Renji were all there by the time Ichigo and Rukia finally showed up.

"HEY! Ichiga! Where's your swimsuit top? This isn't a nudist beach!" Someone stupidly taunted, getting a glare from Ichigo. Renji, who was unaware of the Ichigo/Ichiga thing raised an eyebrow, and when caught on, started laughing at the idea of Ichigo being female, neglecting to see that, were that true, it would mean he'd had his ass kicked by, and lost Rukia to a girl.

Ichigo contemplated beating everyone up. But let it go. He could let them tease. Two weeks from now, no one would even remember. The truly horrifying thing on the beach was seeing Uryu's overly pale, muscle-lacking form without a shirt, if anyone, and certainly not the fact that Ichigo wasn't wearing one. Hypocrites.

Though, Ichigo was still given responsibility to rub the sunscreen onto Rukia, which was a little awkward, but he'd almost gotten used to it by the time he was done.

The reason Renji was there became apparent when he was seen rubbing the lotion on Orihime, and with her in the ocean. Well, it registered as a justification was more like it. The fact that something was going on between the two didn't make sense AT ALL.

After having to make sure Rukia didn't step on a crab, forgetting his own sun screen, and boring himself in the ocean—which he never much cared for—Ichigo was incredibly sun burnt and wanted badly to leave.

When the day's major heat had climaxed, things were less awful, and he could possibly say more enjoyable, though. Rukia had been giving him hell most of the day, until close to sunset, when she gave him a small, teasing kiss, which happened to see Orihime.

"Ooohh, so Rukia is a lesbian then…" She said, not tauntingly, but as if it made perfect sense. Renji looked at her incredibly oddly. It pissed him off to see Rukia with Ichigo, but he hadn't actually believed the strawberry was female. Still didn't, actually. But regardless, it was funny.

Rukia, deciding to defend her OWN reputation spoke out now. "Look, it's a funny joke, but, I have to tell you, I know from EXPERIENCE, that Ichigo isn't a girl."

Renji found that remark much, much less hilarious, but said nothing. Acting like you're pining for one girl (regardless of whether or not you are) while with another (Second choice or not) was only going to end badly.

But, however, that did Shut Orihime up, and made her return to using the proper vowel in Ichigo's name.

Shortly after, Ichigo and Rukia decided to leave. He was severely sun burnt, everywhere but where his shorts covered, making his driving worse.

"You idiot, why didn't you wear sunscreen?" She looked at the bright red Ichigo, whose complexion now resembled Renji's hair.

"You didn't remind me. Would it have seen so hard to say 'put some one, too, you'll get sunburn'?" He shot back.

"I'm not your babysitter! I don't have to worry about what you do with yourself!" She scoffed. "Now start driving. I'm bored."

Of course, since every movement hurt, his driving was worse than before.

"Exactly… when did you get your license again?" She asked, skeptically.

"I… um… didn't…" He said, not looking at her.

"WHAT? So if you get pulled over, and we both get in trouble it's YOUR fault! You better fucking be careful." She glared.

"Like you could do better." He muttered under his breath. Was she seriously going to criticize his driving? She was, as it turned out. She nagged him all night.

To make it worse, as it turned out, the minute he got to his room, painfully through the sunburn, her hollow sensor went off.

"No fucking way." He groaned.

"Are you gonna let it eat some innocent soul then?"

"Damn it…" If fighting a hollow normally was hard, doing it with sunburn was much, much worse.

He more or less collapsed when he was finally home again, but of course, he wasn't allowed sleep, not by Rukia, at least.

She was sitting on him at first, which he tried to ignore, and then she started taking off his shirt. "What the hell are you doing?" He mumbled.

"You can't sleep in your clothes…" She said, with an evil glint in her eyes. He sighed and got up, taking off his shirt, followed by his pants. He was about to put on something over his underwear—no way in HELL was he showering with that sunburn—but she seemed to have other ideas.

She slid his boxers down around his ankles, her own clothes reduced to only her undergarments. She kissed him, and his burning arms reached around to unhook her bra, and then slide the panties down some, before letting them drop.

They moved their passion to his bed, Ichigo ignoring the fact that even his eyelids and lips where sun burnt and every movement hurt, the pleasure long overtook any pain,

for both of them, technically, this being only the second time for both of them, him going in, and out of her, her bucking her hips against him, licking, kissing, fingering, trusting, sucking, and more or less all the standing things, until climaxing and falling asleep next to each other, not caring about what the morning would bring.

A/N: Lemon Ending! YAY! (Cat speaking: not for me, I'm not an IchiRuki shipper. RenRuki all the way.) Sorry for the wait, lovely readers!

_A/N Seas: Did you enjoyyyyy? Well if ya did then pleeeease tell us! Review we looove reviews, it makes us feel sparkly. Big round of applause for amazingness from Cat who wrote this awesome thing. We role played but Cat put it to action for you guys. I mean seriously WOOT! So review for us, because she made this chapter shine! Oh and stay tuned for chapter three which I will FORCE Cat to right a little bit sooner…you don't even wanna know how long and hard I worked to get her to get this damn thing edited. So ya chapter 3 __**COMING SOON TO A FANFICTION NEAR YOU! **__Ya I'm cheesy live with it!_

_Todo mi amor!_

_Seas_


	3. Protection is Your Friend

**A/N: TA-DA! Cat is updating by herself! Because… Well, there isn't a reason, okay? Anyway, enjoy! This is fluffy. BTW, the "GCD" is pretty much done appearing. Sorry! It gets a plot soon.**

_A/N : Well she was updating by herself until Seas took over! Today my lovely readers, I shall inform you of my word of the day. __**Motivation**__, and it's a beautiful word indeed. Now let me tell you for how long I motivated Catherine to write this DAMN chapter. _

"_CAT you said the chap would be done yesterday!"_

"_Well my hand cramped up, and then Emily came over and slept over and then I got an English project worth like half my grade, and then Renji came in through my window and made love to many times, repeatedly so I was a bit off that day for that reason and now my head hurts and I get cut off the internet at 10 PM.."_

"_Tomorrow?"_

"_Yes, I won't have ANYTHING to do that day I'm free completely and totally! I'll just be bored so I can write, write, write!"_

_4 months later..._

"_If you don't write the damn chapter tonight there will be no roleplaying for a WEEK!"_

"_... O.o"_

_well?_

_10 minutes later..._

"_DONE!" _

"_LET FREEDOM RING!"_

_My dear readers, my lesson is learned. When pleading and asking politely doesn't work._

_Threats and motivations are the ways to succeed! _

_:D Seas_

_Disclaimer: Why the fuck would someone even assume I own bleach? I don't, okay?_

**Chapter… Three… Protection is Your Friend**

_Rukia seemed to walk ahead, angry until Ichigo, who'd been trying quite hard to look away heard her yell. _

"_AGH!" It was a rather short yell, and when Ichigo looked up, Rukia was on the ground, seemingly having tripped, and/or twisted her ankle. How the hell Rukia of all people tripped, he had even less of something resembling a clue than he had of how the female psyche worked. _

_However, impossible for her to trip or not, being the sucker he was, Ichigo went forward to help her up. "You okay?"_

_She winced, and as he helped her up, she seemed to be favoring one ankle, and then just avoiding putting weight on it at all. "Ow…" She muttered. "Hurt my ankle. It's fine."_

"_Can you walk on it?" He raised an eyebrow. She was she wasn't putting weight on it and how it was bruised just didn't strike him as 'fine.'_

"_I can walk by myself!" She seemed a little indignant. For a few steps she limped, stumbled again and looked pain._

"_Obviously… not." He sighed, walking over and picking her up. She protested more than he had expected, which said something because he expected protest for damn sure._

"_PUT ME DOWN! IDIOT, I DON'T NEED TO BE CARRIED AROUND LIKE A RAG-DOLL!" She smacked him in the face audibly, but he didn't seem all that affected by it. Damn Strawberry._

_This carried on until they got to the school, greeted by Orihime who seemed bubbly and overly energetic, as per usual._

"_Kurosaki-kun! Why are you carrying Rukia-san like that? I think I hear that in some countries that a groom carries a bride over the threshold like that after the wedding. Did you and Rukia get married? Hey! Why didn't you invite me to the wedding? I wanted to be the maid of honor, though the maid of honor's honor mighta got stolen—that's Renji's job—never mind… is there a ring, Rukia can I see the ring?" Ichigo had absolutely no idea how she'd said all of that so fast and in one breath. _

"_Inoue-san… we're not married… and wait what was the about Renji?" Rukia seemed about as confused as Ichigo was. _

"_Heh, heh… nothing! Anyway… why __**are**__ you carrying her like that?" She looked up at Ichigo with her large eyes and a clueless expression commonly worn on her face. _

"_She hurt her ankle, couldn't walk. I was just gonna get her to the nurse's office." He rolled his eyes. _

"_Ohhhhh! That makes more sense. I hope your ankle gets better!" She said happily and skipped away. _

This was one of the most recent memories Rukia had of Ichigo in the past few weeks. He had told her a few days after that he had wanted to go to the soul society in hopes of learning Kidou there, and would be back soon seeing as the holiday coming up was short.

Rukia, however, was still on assignment and couldn't leave. The past three weeks had been boring, and for the past few days, she'd been sick. Her stomach was always feeling like it was doing flip-flops, often to the point of vomiting. She was always tired and a little moody most days.

It wasn't until she began to suspect that her unpleasant feelings—the moodiness, at least—where due to that certain curse of femininity that she suspected something was up. She should've gotten her period two weeks ago…

But she dismissed it. That was ridiculous. The next day, the first day back at the school term (Ichigo still hadn't gotten back, the idiot…) she had to excuse herself to the restroom to vomit again. Feeling awful, she stayed in there for a few class periods. At what must've been lunch time, Inoue came in. "Rukia-san? Are you okay? You never came back…" She said quietly.

"I'm sick." Rukia said, with her voice a little hoarse.

"Is it because of guilt? Do you have a secret lover who entranced you while Ichigo was away and gave you the night of your life, but then the thought that Ichigo could be doing the same with a soul reaper girl made you so guilt-ridden and disgusted at the idea of him in someone else's arms that you became sick from the tension?"

… Rukia couldn't help wondering if Orihime has not been dropped as a small child on her read repeatedly. "No… I don't have a secret lover." She rolled her eyes.

"Okay… well… are you coming back to class?"

"Not today. I don't feel well."

That afternoon she purchased the dreaded stick that had caused happiness, relief, upset, fear, and pretty much any shocked emotion to women over the years. The three minutes it instructed her to wait were like three YEARS. And then… it turned a simple pink color. _Oh god… Oh god… oh god…_

And at the worst possible moment, her phone rang. "Hello?" She answered blankly, staring at the stick with shock and resentment.

"Rukia-chan! Hi! I… just wanted to make sure you were okay. From today, I mean. Do you feel sick?"

"Yeah... still sick. A little worse, now actually." She sounded distant.

"What's wrong? Has Ichigo found out about your secret lover and now both he and your other man have left and you're alone on top of the guilt making you feel empty?"

It was official. Orihime was NOT allowed to read any more romance novels. Ever.

"No. Orihime, there never _was_ a secret lover!" She snapped, then feeling bad for it. It wasn't Inoue's fault that she was upset.

"O-oh… okay then, good. That would make Kurosaki-kun upset!"

"Inoue-san… I have to go…" She hung up the phone, knowing she'd need to go back to the soul society… just to tell Ichigo. And maybe beat the hell out of him.

A few hours later, she was paying Urahara to open the Senkai gate for her to go to the soul society again. The test was still in her hand in case she wasn't able to tell him and just had to show it.

When she found Ichigo, he was hanging around with Renji, Matsumoto, Hinamori, Madarame and a few other soul reapers. Kidou practice. Riiight. Because sparring with Renji while people placed bets was _definitely_ Kidou training.

Matsumoto eyed Rukia, her expression and the test in her hand, and walked over, curiosity lighting her pretty blue eyes.

"Kuchiki-san… weren't you in the world of the living?"

"I… had a message I needed to give Ichigo." She kept it vague… to no use.

"What's that?" Rangiku snatched the test from Rukia's hand and her jaw dropped. "I knew it. Totally knew you two were sleeping together. OHHHH STRAWBERYYYYYY!" She called sing-song.

Ichigo looked over. "Matsumoto, what do you want? And what the hell are you waving around in your hand?" He didn't see Rukia as Rangiku's height and… width of chest concealed the smaller girl well.

Rukia now stepped into view and started to stutter it out but ended up passing out. Matsumoto rolled her eyes.

"Oh for the love of—it's a PREGNANCY TEST! Yeesh, was that so hard? We all knew what it was. Kurosaki, let this be a lesson. Protection is your friend."

_A/N Seas here...ITS DONE! Since the note was so long before I'll make this one shorter lolz...sorry I NEEDED to bitch for a bit...if any of you ever have these problems let me know through a very appreciated review? Also REVIEW for our story! For the record its going to get soooooooo much better and honestly this is like the least best of it. In comparison to what we have now, it's boring. So wish me luck on getting Cat to post sooner and get to the good stuff before we both go over the hill!_

_We love you all_

_REVIEW PLEASE!_

_Seas _


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